Teachers' Corner
There was an old teacher in Bude*,
who didn't like kids to be rude.
Said one of them, "F-fine!"
he'd reply, "Cut that muck!" –
a worldly-wise type of a prude!
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* / bju:d / town in North Cornwall
The teacher who told us to try
to trill like a titlark said, "My!
you'd better try "Moo!"
than twitter and coo –
I think it's more likely you'll fly!
A teacher of French in Cologne
said once to her pupils, "I ogne
I only know 'la'
and 'le' – et c'est Ça!
The rest you must learn all alogne!
The tutor who taught us to count
spent hours, a lavish amount,
on "one, two and three".
The reason was, he
thereafter himself would miscount.
The tutor who taught 'A, B, C'
(the same who did '1, 2 and 3'!),
was hopeless at spelling
and flummoxed by telling
which letter came next, E or D.
A TV professor from Delhi
had quite a gargantuan belhi.
In Mumbai, Lahore,
his lectures therefore
were shown in five parts on the telhi.
A sailing instructor from Wales
forgets everything when he sales.
His lookout called "Land!"
all day one day, and
then found them still moored to the rales.
A driving-instructor who thought
his pretty trainee 'just my sort',
on contact found out:
she had lots of clout,
and: kick-boxing was not his sport.
A maths teacher, type 'tattie-bogle,*
believed himself master and mogul,
but girls sneered, "You nerd!"
and gave him the bird,
and told him no longer to ogle.
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* tattie-bogle = Scots for "scarecrow"
A tutor who taught the trombone
for nerving his wards was well knone:
He'd hush, hush, come near,
and honk in their ear –
which rattled them right to the bone!
A teacher of maths from Hong Kong
taught pupils do sums with a song:
"One and one," he would coo,
"Is – hey-noni-no! – two."
Correct – but the notes were all wrong!
They say there's a teacher in Aix
who teaches the grammar of saix.
You'll learn in his school
to leer, lech, and drool,
but then he'll say, "Bye!", and call, "Naix!"
A geography teacher of Poole
of his trade knew 'most every tool:
globe, atlas, and map,
but his one handicap
was, he never arrived at his school.
A sex-educatress called Leigh
explained all the details to meigh.
I feigned being deaf,
but she said, "Oh, eaf
off! – You sure twigged it, I seigh!"
I know an old cookery teacher
whose bulk is a breathtaking feacher:
his tummy's so big,
a pot-bellied pig
by contrast's a wee tiny creacher!
A sex-therapist called Wi Li
sat counselled young maids on his kni
and gave them advice,
then said, "Be so nice
and practise that lesson on mi!"
An old gerund-grinder at Eton,
a poker-face like Buster Keaton,
being asked, "Is smil-ing
such a ger-er-und thing?"
said, "Smile? What D'ye mean?", roundly beaten.
A botany tutor at Kew,
who once found a plant that was new,
told his friend, a professor,
"I'll call it the lesser
taxodium bush, after yew*!"
——————
*yew = taxus
A tutor who tutored the lure*
taught pupils, "When luring, make sure
you play that fine thing
with plenty of zing –
I'm sure it will add to its lure!"
——————
* lure = 1) wind instrument, 2) attract(ion)
A portly instructor of Dover
one day from the quayside fell over;
the reason: his tum
too fat had become –
in Eden School he's now in clover.
I knew an old teacher of Cholmondeley,*
whose daughter was buxom and colmondeley.
He told me to keep
my hands off. – "Go, peep
at other girls' boobs!" he said glolmondeley.
——————
*Cholmondele ['tschamli] = town in Cheshire
A driving-instructor called Blight
had problems with 'left, straight on, right'.
His learners he'd tell,
"Go straight on!", then yell,
"No, right! – Left!" – imagine their plight!
A teacher of English in Bonn,
a typical German, called von
der Volkmann, all life
said, "vinter" and "vife",
and "vonderful vine", and so on.
I know an ex-teacher who does
play super-grass now for the fuzz.*
Upon his request
they raided a test
exam to find cheats – what a buzz!
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* fuzz = slang for 'police'
A tutor who tutored the shawm*
performed to some stories by Mawm*
read out by Ted Hughes
at schools in Toulughes –
"Zut!" pupils escaped to the dawm.*
——————
*shawm = ancient wind instrument
Mawm = Somerset Maugham
dawm = dorm(itory)
A chemistry teacher of Rome
loved mixtures of acids and chrome.
Once he, unawares,
ignited some flares –
there's a wreath on his desk now at home.
A teacher I had in Dundee
taught Xhosa and Zulu and Twi.
I didn't learn much:
they seemed double-Dutch,
and surely were all Greek to me.
The one thing I learnt was the clicks,
a feature of Xhosa that sticks
if put to good use:
a classmate called Bruce
still does them when feeding his chicks.
I know language teaching is diff-
icult if the drill is not stiff;
I do it myself
for fun and for pelf,*
and know how some days it can miff.
——————
* pelf = money
My guru, who does Ayurveda,
is truly a helper and aider:
with diets and herbs
bad ghosts he disturbs ...
and claims it's good, too, against radar.
Professor of physics, D. Yorks,
knows links between gluons and quorks,
and protons and neu-
trons, and what have yeu! –
but not between norks, dorks and storks.
I heard of a teacher who said,
"No school for today! Off to baid!
I sleep better there
than here on my chere!"
"Must be out of his haid!" said his haid.
I once had a teacher of history
who sat on the papal consistory.
"The future is clear:
our doomsday is near,"
he said, "but the past is a mistory!"
A teacher we had in P.E.
was terribly stiff in one knee.
"The reason's," he said,
"an aunt, long since dead,
who left me a five-inch settee."
When I went to school, we said "Miss"
and "Sir", and "Excuse me!" – what bliss
for our teachers. Today,
some pupils will say:
"What? Work? – Are you taking the piss?"*
——————
* (slang) = are you having me on?
My old English teacher, Herr Schörf,
said, "vhen learnink Enklish, obserf
ze 'tee-aitch', vhich is new,
ant ze double-u, too,
orr zee Enklish vill call you a smurf!"
My French mistress (please, mind the stress!),
who was quite a sweetie, oh yes!
said, "You are too young
to practise our tongue,
but I like your cedilla, no less!"
An ancestry boffin* from Basle,
a direct descendant of Chasle-
emagne, said, "Yah, yah!
My great-grand papah
times 50 he was – call me Casle!"
——————
* boffin = expert, scientist
An elderly Miss at my school
was prissy* and not at all 'cool'.
A schoolmate said, "Marm,**
your old-worldly charm
could make a Neanderthal drool!"
——————
* prissy = prudish, pedantic
** Marm – also 'Maam'= (contraction of) Madam
"Chairs up! Pack your bags! Leave the room!"
Friday's last-lesson teacher would boom,
and then turn the key.
The hitch: sometimes he
left kids to a long weekend's gloom.
A young dietician from Maine
drove one of her slimmers insaine
by saying, "Hello,
you two! – How's it go?"
ev'ry morning, come sunshine, come raine.
In sex-education at school
our Miss oft was thought such a fool.
"That word is quite wrong –
that's sure called a 'dong'!*
we kids would correct her – all cool.
——————
* dong = (vulgar US slang) male organ
A physics professor called Ein-
stein had an idea, drinking wein.
It's since been called fact
that time may contract,
space stretch. – Relatively, that's fein!
His theory's praise oft was sung.
Said he: "Colleagues mine, yours are dung!
Let's call them forthwith*
no more than a mith!"
So saying, he'd poke out his tung.
——————
*forthwith = immediately; from now on
A tutor who tooted the zink*
at weekends slept hardly a wink,
when practising – nor
did people next door ...
most Mondays he'd thus spend in clink.**
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* zink (or zinke) = / tsink /old-fashioned wind instrument
** clink = (slang) prison << Clink Prison in south London