ANDOVER
There was a blackmailer of Andover,
who bungled* the job at the handover:
he stayed on the spot,
and counted the lot –
till the fuzz* got a buzz*: "Hands up!" and – over!
_____
* bungled = failed in; mismanaged
job = the crime; the deed
fuzz = (slang) police
buzz = telephone call

BARKING (1)
There was an odd fellow of Barking,
who loved japing, pranking and larking*.
His practical jokes
unnerved all his folks* –
they'd give him the bird and say, "barking!*"
_____
* japing, ... = (all three:) playing practical jokes and being rowdy
folks = friends and relatives; people
barking (mad) = crazy; out of one's mind

BARKING (2)
There was an old boozer* of Barking,
whose car you could always see parking
by inns, pubs, and such,
frequented so much
that people would call him the "bar king".
_____
* boozer = drunkard; heavy drinker

BARNET
There was a coy lady of Barnet,
content to wear ear-drops of garnet.
Her sexy friend Pearl,
a tiger-eye girl,
made 10 grand a month in a bar (net!).
_____
* coy = modest or shy
garnet = a dark red, semi-precious stone
tiger-eye = a) brown-yellowish semi-precious stone;
b) having eyes like a tiger
10 grand = ten thousand pounds / or dollars
net = netto

BOWMORE
There was an old dandy of Bowmore,
who said, "In the future I'll no more
wear ties – they are out
of fashion, no doubt.
Instead, I shall don* my old bow* more!"
_____
*don = put on; wear
bow = bow-tie

BRAINTREE
There was a tree-surgeon* of Braintree,
whose hobby, he said, was the 'crane* tree'.
But soon it transpired*
the tree so admired
was only a child-of-his-brain tree.*
_____
* tree-surgeon = specialist for tree diseases
crane = a) skull; b) a large wading bird; c) a weight-lifting machine
crane tree = an invented name
child-of-his-brain = (adj.) << brainchild: idea; imagined thing

BROADSTAIRS
There was a high-héel* girl of Broadstairs,
who'd mumble all day, "Oh, my Gawd* – stairs!",
then stumble and fall
down any and all,
no matter if narrow or broad stairs.
_____
* stress on 'heel'
Gawd = God (broad pronunciation, phonetic spelling, usually American)

BUBWITH
There was an old Bridge fan of Bubwith,
I used to play many a rub* with.
He sure was the best
in N, E, S, W*
to guzzle* a sizeable* bub* with.
_____
* rub = round of Bridge
N, E, S, W = positions of the 4 Bridge players
at the table; – read: "North , ... West"
guzzle = drink
sizeable = large; copious
bub = strong alcoholic drink

CHURCHDOWN
There was a bell-ringer of Churchdown,
who did lots of ringing research. – Down
steeples*, up towers
and spires* for hours ...
till one day he tolled* a whole church down.
_____
*steeples, spires = (usually pointed) church towers
tolled = rang (cp. Hemingway, For Whom the Bell Tolls)

CLASHMORE
There were two hot rivals of Clashmore,
the one very pushy and brash*, more
wary the second;
perhaps as he reckoned*
he'd suffer in case of a clash more.
_____
* brash = aggressive; forward
reckoned = thought; believed

COLDSTREAM
There was a gold-digger of Coldstream,
who thought he'd detected a gold-stream;
the nuggets he found,
however, had crowned
his teeth ere* he slipped in the cold stream.
._____
*ere = (literary) / är / – before

CROOKLANDS
There was a keen* ranger of Crooklands,
observing a man in the brook-lands*
while poaching* on trout.
He swore, "I'll find out
how many exactly that crook* lands!"
_____
* keen = dutiful; eager
brook-lands = a brook is a small river, or stream
poaching = catching or killing animals illegally
crook = here: criminal; evil-doer

DORSET
There was a young lady of Dorset,
who desperately wished for a horse. – It
did prove too dear, though:
her dad said, "I fear, Flo,
I haven't the dough* to endorse* it."
_____
* dough = (slang) money
endorse = here: go through with; allow

DOVERCOURT
There was a pickpocket of Dovercourt,
who robbed tourists over and over. – Caught
the fiftieth time, he
exulted, "Oh, blimey*!
we'll have a nice party at Dover Court!"
_____
* blimey! = (slang) here: exclamation of surprise

FELTWELL
There was an SM-freak of Feltwell,
who liked to apply cuffs* and belt well.
One day, under lock*,
he suffered a shock,
but afterwards panted*, "I felt well!"
_____
* to apply cuffs = to use handcuffs
under lock = in chains or cuffs
panted = breathed heavily

GALLOWAY
There was a young laddie* of Galloway,
who wolfed* down the books "Mrs Dalloway",
"Orlando" and "Flush"*,
and others. – Hush, hush,
another young lad took his gal* away.
_____
* lad(die) = boy, young man (Scots)
wolf down = swallow, here: read, hastily
"Mrs Dalloway" etc. = books by Virginia Woolf; cp. "wolf down"
gal = girl (dialect)

GLASGOW
There was a bar-keeper of Glasgow,
who'd say to me often, "Alas! no,
you can't have one more.
I'll show you the door
now – drink up, and please, leave the glass! Go!"

GLENDEVON
A bowler who hailed from* Glendevon
asked after the second end*, "Evan,
where was it I won
by twenty – nil, son*?"
"You can't have forgotten, Glen – Devon!"
_____
* hailed from = came from; was born at
end = here: round
son = here: (my) friend; boy

GLENEAGLES
A golf-fledgeling* up at Gleneagles*
asked, "What are those flyers, Len – 'eagles'?
Len gave him the bird*,
"You sure must have heard
they're two-under-par strokes, Glen – 'eagles'!"
_____
* fledgeling = very young , inexperienced player; (young bird)
Gleneagles = famous golf course in Scotland
gave him the bird = G. zeigte ihm den Vogel

GOODWICK
A German-born mother of Goodwick
admonished her son, name of Ludwig*,
"The candles you've bought
are all of a sort*:
bad wax, and there isn't one good wick!"
_____
* Ludwig = German pronunciation / - ik /!
of a sort = of the same (bad) type

GOODWOOD
There was an old golf-coach at Goodwood*,
who buttered* his ward*, saying, "Good! – Would
you now take an iron
from where it is lyin',
a sand-wedge, a putter, a ... ? – Good! Wood!"
_____
* Goodwood = famous sports (esp. race) venue in Sussex
buttered = praised; spoke nicely to
ward = here: pupil; tutee

 

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HADLEIGH
I once knew a girlie at Hadleigh,
whom boys were a-wooing* quite madly.
Oh, my! she had hair
so long, soft and fair,
and curves she had everywhere, had Leigh!
_____
*were a-wooing = (archaic) were trying to win

HALFWAY
There was a pert lassie* of Halfway,
who'd arrows tattooed up her calf, way
hih up to her thigh;
but when I came nigh*,
she'd clout* me and shriek: "No! not half-way!"
_____
* pert lassie = impertinent girl
nigh = near, close
clout = hit; punch

HARTBURN
There once was a popsy* of Hartburn,
who made me, and Billy and Bart burn;
but she was so hot,
more often than not*,
it ended for us in a heartburn.*
_____
* popsy = loose girl or woman
more often than not = quite often
heartburn = G. Sodbrennen

HODNET
A brick-layer up there at Hodnet
once ordered two troughs* via <hod.net>*.
"Delivered next day,
imagine!" he'd say,
"complete with a 'mortar-spill hod net'!"*
_____
* troughs = / trofs / G. Speiswannen
hod = G. Speisvogel; tragbarer Speisbehälter
'mortar-spill ...' = G.Schutznetz gegen über-
laufenden Speis (erfunden!)

HORNDEAN
A High Church trombonist of Horndean
explained, "Long before I was born, Dean,*
my dad had some brass*,
but spent it, alas!,
on tubas, and fifes, and a horn, Dean!"
_____
* Dean = a) G. Dechant/Dekan
b) male first name
brass = a) money, b) G. Blechblasinstrument

KENMORE
A friend, an optician of Kenmore,
advised me, "Get out of your den* more,
and open your eyes;
you'll soon realise
how life will swim into your ken* more!"
_____ .
* den = your room; your apartment
swim into one's ken = become aware of

KING'S LYNN
An English professor from King's Lynn
explained, "You must learn a few things, Lynn:
good language, that means
no slang, but the Queen's
own English*, or, sometimes, The King's, Lynn!"
_____
* the Queen's/King's (own) English = best English,
depending on the ruling monarch's sex

NEWPORT
There was an old captain of Newport,
who loved a 'wee dram'* in his stew*: port,
or whisky, or ale.
Then off he would sail
to practise his fad* in a new port.
_____
* a wee dram = a little drop (of alcohol)
fad = habit, kink

Ware
There was a commuter* from Ware,
who asked at the station, "From where
can I take a cab*?
The train is so drab*,
and the lines bent* from tear and from wear!"
_____
* commuter = Pendler (Ware ist im Nordosten von London)
cab = (ugs.) Taxi
drab = gammelig; öde
bent = verbogen
from tear and (from) wear = durch Abnutzung, Belastung

Wareham*
A ‘Mr Forgetful' from Wareham
was asking himself once, "0h, where, um,
have I left my pants?
They were full of ants*,
so who could have wanted to wear 'em*?"
_____
* Wareham = Ausspr. etwa: / wäröm / – 'h' nicht gesprochen!
full of ants = (idiom.) to have ants in one's pants – keine Ruhe im Hintern haben
'em = kurz für 'them'